What Makes a Good President (According to The West Wing)
What Makes a Good President
A Good President:
- isn’t afraid to intellectually slap the taste out of the mouths of people that let the crazies continue to speak for the majority of an organization.
- never allows anyone to tell you what to eat or else their plane will blow up on the way to Jordan.
- hires a Charlie Young.
- seriously considers getting a dog.
- is an economics professor with a big ol’ stick up his butt.
- foreshadows later plotlines.
- stays there as long as the radio works.
- is a parental wingman for his/her chief of staff
- nominates Mendoza to the bench.
- yells inaccurate facts at children visiting the White House.
- builds a dungeon to keep his younger daughter in before she grows up.
- hides a life-altering diagnosis from his best friend for seven years.
- chooses his sex education vocabulary carefully.
- can construct a good joke no matter the occasion: “A priest, a rabbi and a puritan walk into the oval office…”
- has a secret plan to fight inflation.
- is concerned about the epidemic of flag burning sweeping the nation.
- secretly wants his wife handled
- can take George Washington.
- figures out exactly what he’s dangling his feet into.
- let’s Danny out of the doghouse (I guess Mandy too but who cares?)
- does something for prostitutes once in awhile.
- watches women’s softball games
- pays the bill when his daughter pukes in the backseat of a rented car.
- tries to blow off his primary acceptance speech to meet Josh at the airport.
- makes sure everyone is standing.
- hires Ainsley Hayes
- tries to blow off some kids so he can take the First Lady to funkytown.
- stays away from lame duck sessions.
- doesn’t actually make CJ sing.
- drafts the losing turkey into military service.
- hates green beans
- sends out 1.1 million Christmas cards.
- stands on the Truman Balcony in his/her underwear.
- accepts the appointment of Lord John Marbury as Great Britain's ambassador to the United States.
- reassures young staffers wearing only bathrobes that they weren’t hired because they are sex kittens.
- allows sex kitten staffers to pee in Leo’s office.
- does not accept the resignation of the Surgeon General.
- is a plaid flannel-wearing, cheese-eating, yahoo of a milkman Governor who signed that idiot bill into state law
- has 98 enemies in the Senate.
- doesn’t count himself.
- needs White House Counsel to tell him whether or not he’s engaged 16 people in a massive criminal conspiracy to defraud the public in order to win a presidential election.
- has his wife give him daily injections
- buys the tow package
- smokes and yells at God in Latin in a cathedral after a funeral.
- is just a simple guy that sits out on his farm sipping coffee out of a metal cup because AMERICA!
- eventually gets their significant other to vote for them.
- always has a reliable pen.
- throws an elbow once in a while.
- picks the team that has more players from Notre Dame
- has a good answer if somebody asks them why they want to be president.
- has an alias name Joe Bethersonton for turkey cooking purposes.
- doesn’t introduce a more strict law on seat belts but would gladly support it if someone else did.
- takes the advice of an alcoholic and runs for president.
- only displays old maps if they acknowledge Israel.
- lets his staff talk him out of curing cancer.
- keeps Mr. Fluffy suppressed.
- is only obedient to their therapist.
- sees the whole board.
- lets the British Ambassador ogle at the First Lady's boobs.
- BWAAAAAAAAM.
- criticizes the way James Bond has his martinis made. Clearly a president agrees with the movie Kingsman on how to make a proper martini. "Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth."
- takes pictures with really old kids that send him letters.
- gets carried to the bunker kicking and screaming.
- waits an entire year before even considering to find a replacement secretary.
- threatens his opponent to a fight after assassinating a foreign leader while at a theater performance.
- knows when someone is sensitive about fishing for a bad Florida baseball team.
- wants to be kept updated on the latest actions of a dollar bill.
- assassinates a foreign leader so that his chief of staff could try get a date with his attorney.
- is great at sarcastically coaching football.
- uses the chief of staff’s office as a closet.
- doesn’t care about Chinese child laborers eating cheeseburgers.
- has a lot of good nights.
- is the leader of the free world in the streets, commander in chief in the sheets.
- holds the door open for the next guy...when the next guy is still down the hall and around the corner from the door.
- doesn’t care who a fighter pilot sleeps with.
- conspires with his/her youngest daughter in all matters relating to assassinating foreign leaders.
- takes a picture with a female cow that's actually a female goat that's actually a male goat.
- takes a week off.
- kicks out Supreme Court Justices for writing poetry.
- hires Will Bailey
- introduces a new tax plan in front of a crowd that is guaranteed to hate it.
- changes the kind of free world they’re running on a given day.
- fails at commanding that his plane should land at that very moment.
- lies to the Russian president about erosion.
- ponders whether or not to allow a leak within the government resign or not.
- gropes himself whenever wearing a robe.
- steps aside and lets John Goodman to be president.
- is John Goodman
- thanks John Goodman for keeping his seat warm.
- has the observational skills of an especially dumb rock.
- knows how to improvise when his speech writers leave their passive aggressive ramblings on a teleprompter.
- pretends the First Lady and her chief of staff is the same person but he isn't happy about it.
- puts the entire world on hold for a day to talk to some folks.
- would rather shut the government down than work a deal with the smug opposition leader.
- will sit on a bench if they absolutely have to.
- lets their grandson waste electricity by cutting the lights on and off (and repeat) on a badly CGI-created giant Christmas tree.
- touches people. Take that in whatever context you wish.
- invites his single best friend to a couples weekend.
- installs snooze buttons into all of his top advisers.
- awkwardly stuffs the nuclear launch codes in their pocket while lecturing the rest of the world for developing nuclear bombs.
- has strong opinions over his presidential portrait. So much so that he puts it off for what seems like his entire second term.
- bases his reversal on school vouchers on the opinion of one person that grew up in DC.
- holds out for kermit.
- nominates two cats for the Supreme Court.
- lies to the press...but you can't say you're lying to the press when the camera is rolling right in front of you.
- begins a national sleeping initiative by talking to everyone about economics.
- ribs his two closest aides by testing the secret service on lockdown procedures over biological contamination and frames it to make it look like one of them are at fault. Classic lampoonery.
- visits Admiral Fitzwallace's widow in person because he was a hero and a beloved recurring character.
- throws from the mound.
- swims against the current, even the fish swimming against him is his own administration.
- causes his best friend to have a heart attack in the woods.
- orders his staff to jump off a cliff.
- gets spanked by his Chief of Staff.
- kicks out his personal assistant for graduating college.
- visits with injured troops with or without the press.
- recognizes any country he wants as long as they bring him a flag.
- uses his MS diagnoses to get out of having to shake hands with foreign dignitaries.
- naps for 22 hours a day while his staff sits in on meetings on his behalf.
- can run the business of the nation from bed.
- doesn't publicly endorse a particular candidate just yet but will offer help to the one that Josh left him for.
- speaks at the State of the Union for as long as he can stand.
- stands by his geopolitical ally even if they're up to sketchy nonsense.
- stays up past his bedtime.
- has a voice.
- avoids the right people at parties.
- allows kids to vote in the general election.
- wins California.
- tries to start to possibly one day lift the Cuba embargo.
- sneaks out with a candidate from the the opposing party for ice cream.
- should always assume Charlie is going to marry their daughter.
- picks a successor and gifts said successor the state of New York.
- undermines the campaign agenda of the candidate within the same party.President hungry for education reform. President gonna eat.
- knows internal investigations are ridiculous.
- doesn't let Toby resign. You fire that leaking hippy.
- rehires Will Bailey to replace Toby.
- doesn't actually think over whether or not he should go help a friend out.
- forces his daughter's wedding to start whenever he wants it to start.
stays blissfully ignorant of the affairs of a son in-law.
- gets two call sheets.
- tries really hard not to show campaign favoritism unless you best friend is one of the VP candidates.
- Is Matthew Santos
- gets thrown out of a building because of arguing with his chief of staff over a parka.
- Taps the phones of the next president before he/she takes office.
- Thinks about tomorrow.
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