The Movie Review Nobody Asked For: The Cabin in The Woods
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you The Cabin in The Woods, a comedic horror movie that is sometimes more comedy than horror. This little bit of business is directed by Drew Goddard and was the brainchild of both Goddard and lord of the nerds, Joss Whedon. By all means, I should have written this review two years ago, back when the movie was slated to be release. However, timing was a cruel beast as the film came to be just as MGM studios was crumbling into bankruptcy (which is an absurd to spell but is awesome for Words with Friends) in 2010 and eventually the distribution rights were sold to Lionsgate who finally released it in 2012 (just before Whedon's Avengers was released). Why am I boring you all with this? Because I did my freaking homework on it and I wanted you all to recognize it. I will now pause a moment and outstretch my hands and embrace your gratitude.
I've reached the point where I warn people of possible spoilers:
I AM GOING TO SPOIL THIS MOVIE IN THIS REVIEW! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN CABIN IN THE WOODS, READ NO FURTHER, GO TO YOUR LOCAL PLACE OF MOVIES, BUY IT NOW AND THEN COME BACK AND READ.
Now that we got all that mess out the way, let's get down to it the way I do it.
Mordecai as played by Tim DeZarn
As always, I start with the lowest actors on the cast list that actually has a name and work my way up. It's appropriate we start with Mordecai because he serves as the unwelcoming omen to our inauspicious gang. As explained in the film, he is essentially the gatekeeper, the last chance for the sacrificial lambs to turn and run away. He is about as inviting as a crunchy case of the plague. He is absolutely horrific but his absurdity is brought to life during the "speaker phone" incident in a simple yet hilarious moment.
Wendy Lin as played by Amy Acker
A technician for the chem department, I would say that Wendy plays the character that isn't fully at peace with what she does for a living. She's fully committed to the job but always tries to make moral excuses for everything, including other employees. For instance, she has the moral high-ground to explain to Officer Truman why the employees are betting on the monsters and how wrong it must look but then proceeds to bet as well. She represents what the entire attitude of "the organization" in the sense that they know what they're doing is morally questionable but does their best to justify their actions.
Daniel Truman as played by Brian White
Essentially, Truman is the new security detail of the two head operators. He is essential because through him, we get an explanation of exactly what the organization is doing and why. He is the expository tool (which sounds like something dealing with the butt) for the audience and is essentially the moral neutral character.
Steve Hadley as played by Bradley Whitford
Here lay a man that merely wanted to see a Merman. Just prior to watching this movie, I got really into The West Wing so imagine my utter giddiness to see Whitford on the screen. As for Hadley, he maintains the seriousness of it all while maintaining an easy going disposition (i.e. the moment where he admits that he almost wishes Dana would survive but he interrupts his own point be declaring that tequilla is, in fact, his lady). He finally got to see the merman but was obviously disappointed before getting mauled, I'm assuming that his disappointments were spawn from seeing this mythical beast but only for it to turn out to look like the most ungodly disgusting thing on the planet and also, for waiting so long to see but his only chance to would be when he was killed by it and to have his guts spewed out from its blow hole.
Richard Sitterson as played by Richard Jenkins
Sitterson was essentially the straight man of the two operators but that didn't mean he wasn't hilarious himself. I don't have as much to say about Sitterson because, by and large, I could say the same things that I said about Hadley. These two worked absolute wonders together and I think a prequel of just these two would be amazing. I will say that I found it ironic how these monsters unleashed everyone's worst fears but Sitterson died because of his worse fear, an escaped "lamb."
Holden McCrea as played by Jesse Williams
Playing the quiet, intellectual and all-around swell guy, Holden was the guy that tried to hold everything together. I don't really have much to say about him because not everybody can be an epic figure. He played a great good guys so...yeah. Good job on that.
Jules Loudon as played by Anna Hutchison
Jules was one of the two characters in the film that were chemically altered in order to fit the mold that the organization needed. In the film, she was a dumb, slutty blonde but all indications were that Jules was never actually like that prior to. She was the first to bite it and I have to hand it to her, she has a great "scared beyond comprehension" face.
Curt as played by THORRRRR...I mean Chris Hemsworth
Another chemically alter character in order to be the alpha male that took charge with an act-now-think-later attitude but was nothing like the real Curt. I thought this character was pretty charming in the first act and had some really fantastic lines. I still say that had this movie come out with it was suppose to, Hemsworth would be more of a megastar than he already is.
Dana Polk as played by Kristen Connolly
The unlikely hero (or at least partial hero) to the movie. She was needed as the virgin even though she had just gotten over a break-up with a professor and was eyeing Holden's "husband bulge" but I suppose if the virgin's death was optional then I suppose it really doesn't matter who you get when in a pinch and those pesky Chinese organizations can't get it done. It's obvious that Whedon has a big thing for strong leading ladies (and red-heads for that matter) and so it's no surprise Dana comes through in the end. I did enjoy her character for just blindly going headfirst into things and testing the fates.
Marty Mikalski as played by Fran Kranz
Easily the fan favorite and for good reason. Spent the first half of the movie being the comedic foil and spent the remainder of it being the one that pieces everything together, his mental state of highness overriding the organization's chemicals. He had all the best lines of the movie and delivered on every single one and yet was comforting in all the madness for Dana.
The Director as played by Sigourney Weaver
Talk about icing on the cake. We sit through surprise after surprise in this movie and in the end, here comes out a legend. She serves as the person giving us all the details that ties it all together for the audience and then gets taken out by a little girl zombie. Just fantastic
The Monsters
I saved them for last because they're obviously the biggest stars of the movie
Alien Beast, Angry Molesting Tree, Clowns, Deadites, Demons, Dismemberment Goblins, Dolls, Dragonbat, Giant, Giant Snake, Hell Lord (real name is Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain), Kevin, Merman, Mummy, Mutants, Reptilius, Sasquatch/Wendigo/Yeti, Sexy Witches, Snowman, Sugarplum Fairy, The Bride, The Doctors, The Huron, The Reanimated, The Scarecrow Folk, Twins, Unicorn, Vampires, Werewold, Witches, Wraithes, Zombies, and Zombie Redneck Torture Family. And that's only the monsters that were listed on the whiteboard, some fans have stated that they found others including several Left 4 Dead references.
The one that I read most about this movie was how it was a hateful love letter to horror movies and there's really no other way to explain this movie. This isn't your usual horror flick (if it was, I wouldn't have watched it 6 times) and people that watch it expecting the usual horror movie are probably not gonna get it (as I witnessed the first time with several people in the movie theater). Everything about this movie is extremely clever and probably one of the most fun movies I've seen this year and easily in my top 5 overall.
But I am merely one man, what was everybody else's reactions?
-Dr. Chris
Comments
Post a Comment